The Olympians' guide to life
by Voldy's Worst Nightmare
Summary: inspired by the Marauders guide to life in the HP section. the Olympian Gods, and one RRA goddess, the explanation for which is in progress, are here to answer your questions about anything and everything - and to bicker like 5-year-olds, of course!
1. Chapter 1

The Olympians guide to life

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except Luke Castellan and Percy Jackson – ask the RRA. The idea came from the marauder's guide to life, which is, by the way, awesome. Also, this contains inputs from the RRA, who also became Goddesses and will appear randomly from time to time as will the half-bloods, all with fore-warning.**

**Basically, the Gods and (on occasion) half-bloods are here to answer any questions you may have; whether it's advice, general questions about the Gods or the quests the half-bloods get or even questions that you think would be impossible for them to answer! Ask what you like, but no swearing and definitely no insults – I will not be held responsible for anything that happens to you or your families because of insults to the Gods. Thank you.**

**Zeus is bold**

Poseidon is underlined

_Visitors are italic (this one is Hera)_

_**Dionysus is bold italic**_

_Apollo is italic and underlined_

Athena is normal text

_**Ares is bold, italic and underlined (he asked)**_

**Voldy, the squirrel Goddess (me) is bold and underlined**

**What? It's my fic isn't it?**

**Review me your questions!**

**The first questions were ones that I thought up or pinched from the Percy Jackson book website. Here goes…**

…

**Hey there! I'm Voldy, the Squirrel Goddess!**

Voldy, if you let your squirrels near Triton ever again I'll –

**Oh calm down, dad, it was just a joke!**

Remind me again why I ever let Percy marry you?

**You know you love me really. Besides – Triton was poking around in L.C's clothing. Of course I had to… discourage him.**

**What's going on? How dare you start without me!**

**Zeus, for the last time, we were going to start Today at 3pm. If you are late it's your fault.**

**HOW DARE YOU –**

**Shut it.**

_**Do I detect a potential war between sky and squirrels?**_

**Was that sarcasm, Dionysus? Or was it a captain obvious moment.**

_**It's obvious who is going to win this battle.**_

_**Yeah; Voldy.**_

**Wow, for once Ares and I actually agree on something**

**Ares! You betrayed me!**

Father, you know perfectly well that Voldy and her slightly unusual family are capable of doing to you what you did to Kronos.

**That's true. And worse, we came up with the idea. Which reminds me; Ares is still wearing a dress and pigtails I see.**

Yeah why is that actually?

_**None of your business.**_

_**Voldy spiked his drink with one of her potions.**_

Really? Nice one.

**Why thank you.**

**May I ask why?**

**Wouldn't you get sick of him going on about women being useless warriors? My cabin beat his cabin in capture the flag last week, thank you very much.**

_**Not true!**_

**Is true – then again we had Athena, Poseidon and Hermes on our team – oh, and Dionysus. Thanks for that by the way.**

_**No problem.**_

**Anyway… Where's Hera?**

Hunting for Zeus probably.

_I'm here._

**Hi Hera! Come join the party!**

_I'm just here to answer questions._

**I'll read the first one! Ahem:**

"**Who would win in a battle between Zeus and Poseidon?"**

**Easy answer; me.**

I think I'd have the upper hand, brother.

**No, I would because I am king and therefore awesome.**

_**I don't picture this ending well.**_

**I think it'd be best if I answered this one, being unbiased and totally fair – don't snort Zeus! I hope you realise, Anon, that you very nearly caused the answer to your question to occur? The answer is simple; neither would win because the rest of us would lock them in the binding cages until they stopped acting like 2-year-olds, so my family and I, that is the unknown goddesses, would have to rule for a few hundred years, during which we would achieve world piece, equal food and stuff for everyone and no wars, well, few wars that could result in an apocalypse or two, especially when it involves people that a large amount of us like and end up fighting over. When that happens, bright purple flashes will appear in the sky. That is your warning to get underground a.s.a.p.**

_I will read the next one;_

"_Ares, will you marry me baby?"_

Who came up with that one?

**Everyone hide! He's doing his egotistical muscle-flexing routine!**

_**Take a number babe.**_

**Can I ask this person something? Are you INSANE? He's already the most egotistical of the Gods – with the exception of Zeus – and you've gone and made him even fuller of himself!**

Voldy, hitting your head against the wall is going to hurt. A lot.

**I didn't know you'd taken over the duties of the God of obvious!**

Voldy, a little less of the sarcasm if you please.

**Shut up.**

_**Someone's got their time of the month - Ow!**_

**Whoops, my foot slipped.**

**I'd thank you not to kick my sons, Voldy.**

_Hey! What've I missed?_

**Writing poetry again, Apollo?**

_How did you know?_

**You normally are. You missed a couple of questions – hey, is that Paramore on your iPod?**

_Yes it is! Hey! No stealing!_

**But it's Paramore!**

_But it's my iPod!_

**You know you love me…**

_You can have one headphone._

**Yay!**

I'll read the next one;

"Athena, why did you turn Medusa and her sisters into Gorgons? Isn't that a little harsh?" Anon.

**You mean you don't know that Athena walked in on Poseidon and snake-features snogging the faces off each other in her temple?**

Don't call her snake-features, Voldy

**What? It's true isn't it?**

_She has a point._

Shut up, Apollo.

**Hey! He used my catch-phrase!**

_No he didn't; your catch-phrase changes every ten seconds._

**Well, that's true.**

If you were a god, anon, how would you feel about some other god –

**Doing the dirty with some mortal on your altar?**

I was going to be less abrupt about it, Voldy.

**It's true though. And sick. You know, I reckon Medusa would've made a lovely hazel tree. What do you think, Dionysus?**

_**I'm not the god of trees, Voldy. You should ask Persephone or Demeter about it.**_

**Or maybe a cat… I'll ask Deannie.**

_**No! Not that evil cat and vampire goddess!**_

**Yes, Ares, the very same. Deannie and I have an agreement; no kidnapping each other's claimants or husbands unless we want the other to subject ours to extreme torture. The Deannie cat torture is very well known among titans and criminals.**

I can't imagine why.

**Was that sarcasm, Poseidon? Seriously, you remember when Deannie and I tied Oceanus to a chair and –**

Yes, Voldy; that's one of the very few times you and Deannie have worked together without almost causing the apocalypse.

_I remember that! You joked about using my limericks!_

**I'm sorry, Apollo, but they were pretty bad. You have great taste in music though!**

_**I think I'm gonna gag.**_

**Shut it, Ares, it was just a hug.**

**I will read the next question!**

"**Which British parties do you support?" what's that supposed to mean? Oh, and it's from anon. Anon must be very curious.**

**No, Zeus, Anon just means the person didn't sign their name. It could be several people. And by the way it means political groups, not the social gathering kind.**

**I'd have to say labour or conservative because they're the most famous.**

**You know nothing about politics.**

I don't think they're really very good so I wouldn't vote.

_Me too._

_**Why support one? Just kill them all and have done with it.**_

**You psychopath!**

_**What'd I say?**_

_**I agree with Poseidon's sentiment. Politicians are mostly useless**_

_I don't see the point of politics. I'm a woman; we have no head for it._

**Ahem. Hera, just because you know nothing about it doesn't mean the rest of us don't.**

They're all self-serving idiots, why vote?

**MONSTER-RAVING-LOONEY-PARTY! They're awesome!**

_Why are you dancing?_

They're just ridiculous!

**Come on! Compulsory catering contracts with McDonalds in prisons to cut crime rates! Shaving the beards off terrorists because the beards make them look scary! Secret code phrases that automatically grant A-stars in exams! THAT'S the government England needs! They're geniuses!**

Is the correct term "Geniuses" or "Genii"?

**No idea. I'll have to look at the dictionary at some point.**

Or you could ask Athena.

**Nah, that's smart.**

_Has anyone told you that you aren't safe to be out, Voldy?_

**What century are you living in? This is the 21****st**** century. Y'know; the one with equal rights and women having the vote and stuff? The one where it doesn't matter how old you are you can still go out? The one with the awesome motorbikes and other modes of transport?**

_**Hell yeah! All hail motorbikes!**_

**High-five to that, Ares!**

_Is it just me or are Voldy and girl-Ares actually getting on?_

I think you might be right.

**It's because he's more like an RRA girl when he's in a dress and pigtails =D**

How did you manage to speak in emoticons?

**Because I'm just awesome.**

**But I am the king of the Gods and am therefore more awesome.**

Voldy, what was the snort for?

**Zeus being more awesome than an RRA goddess? Given the fact that the very mention of our name strikes fear into the heart of every Titan in existence, and that our cabin in camp half-blood is several storeys high and complete with games rooms, science labs and a little parking space for cars, motorbikes and the occasional space ship, I'd say that we are more awesome than you, Zeus.**

_How can your cabin have several storeys, it's the same size as the rest of them_

**On the outside, but we have Time lord science on our side.**

What?

**Transcendental engineering. It's bigger on the inside.**

How is that even possible?

Athena, when you've been invited into their strange little craft you'll learn not to ask questions like that.

What were you doing in their box?

**Percy was getting homesick so I asked Poseidon if he'd build a saltwater spring in the TARDIS for him.**

_That was very considerate._

Believe me that isn't the only thing that's gone into that room.

_**What else?**_

**Well, there's R2-D2, Annie adopted him.**

What?

**Long story. Oh, and on occasion there's a race track for when Maple feels the need to challenge people to spinney-chair races.**

_How did we even get onto this conversation?_

_**No idea.**_

**I think we were talking about parties.**

_**Parties are awesome!**_

**Political parties, D-man.**

_**Damn.**_

**Parties, however, are awesome.**

I think we're out of time…

**Damn! So we are. Anyhow, if you all want to ask a question, Hera's back next week (unfortunately) so you can ask her whatever you like, same for the rest of us – we're always here, unless one of us decides to stand aside for an extra visitor, of course. Cheerio!**

_**Mmm… cheerio's**_

**Or, as Paula would say… mmm Lennox!**

…**end**…

**Tada! I hope you enjoyed enough to REVIEW ME YOUR QUESTIONS! Seriously, reviews make me happy, and if I'm happy then you get an update! So PLEASE review! Also, I can't make up questions all the time, because it's weird. So please do not hesitate to ask your questions!**

**Click the button, you know you want to!**


	2. Chapter 2

Olympian's guide to life Chapter 2!

**Disclaimer: Percy Jackson, Luke Castellan, the Stoll brothers and Apollo are mine. I claimed them a long time ago just ask the RRA!**

**Thank you for the reviews! I feel special! XD**

**Just to remind you:**

**I will not be held responsible for anything that happens to you or your families because of insults to the Gods. Thank you.**

**A list of who's who:**

**Zeus is bold**

Poseidon is underlined

_Visitors are italic (this one is Hera)_

_**Dionysus is bold italic**_

_Apollo is italic and underlined_

Athena is normal text

_**Ares is bold, italic and underlined (he asked)**_

**Voldy, the squirrel Goddess (me) is bold and underlined**

**Enjoy!**

…

**Hello again! We're back (and so, unfortunately, is Hera, but The Stoll brothers are here next time!)**

Voldy, careful where you celebrate you're going to –

**AAAH!**

… Fall into the shark pool. I feel sorry for the sharks.

**Me too. And I'm all wet! That's better.**

You shouldn't be able to make yourself dry so quickly.

**Shut up. Where is everyone?**

_**I didn't do it I swear!**_

Come back here Ares! Or I swear I'll –

**Hey Athena, Ares, what's up?**

_**It was only a bowl of cereal!**_

It was cinnamon Grahams!

**He knocked your cereal over? And it was the tasty cinnamon goodness? Le gasp!**

Great, now they're both chasing Ares.

_Voldy! Calm down!_

**Apollo! Hello!**

_Hey Voldy, I don't think that now's a good time for hug-tackles._

**ANY time is a good time for a hug-tackle!**

Hyper much, Voldy?

**I just had an awesome day today. =D**

_We should start answering questions._

**Is everyone here?**

_**They are now.**_

**Athena! Stop chasing Ares so we can start! Thank you. Poseidon, would you like to read question one?**

Certainly;

"Poseidon, What would you do if Voldy's squirrels were upset about you saying  
she should stop them going for Triton... And they attacked you... What would  
you do?" from Paula545

**A.k.a: Goddess Paula of Lennox.**

_**She's the goddess of Lennox?**_

**Well she likes him enough, it's an ongoing joke.**

The same can be said for "Mmm Lennox!" I suppose?

**Well that was Paula and Maple.**

Anyway, to answer your question, Paula, I have been in that position before, although it wasn't about triton. I was trying to get Voldy to stop being so hyperactive in the middle of the winter solstice, she got angry at me and unleashed her squirrels, and as a result I spent the rest of the evening encasing the things in bubbles and shooting them off at Titans. Until I got distracted and ended up swamped by them.

**That was funny.**

Not for me, it wasn't.

**For everyone else though.**

**I will read the next question!**

"**Apollo – What's your favourite Paramore song? I LOVE Paramore!" again from Paula.**

_Well, Brick by boring brick is pretty awesome, and so is Careful, but I'd have to say that my favourite is probably Misery business. Voldy give back my iPod!]_

**Oh my Gods you're listening to Jonas Brothers!**

_What if I am? Give it back!_

**But I want it!**

_One headphone._

**Yay!**

**There are no questions for me!**

**Next Question; oh look, she didn't leave you out Zeus!**

"**Zeus - Who's your celebrity crush?" also from Paula.**

_Answer this carefully, Husband._

**Who, incidentally, is also your brother, you incestuous –**

Voldy, watch your language.

… **Moron. There. That's much more polite than what I was going to say. And also, I would like to add that Hera is a PRUDE! Anyway, I have to say I'm rather curious, Zeus, who is your celebrity crush?**

_**Miley Cyrus?**_

Hannah Montana?

**Dame Edna?**

_Kiera Knightly?_

Aphrodite?

**Nice one, Athena.**

Thank you.

**If you must know, it's Billie Piper.**

…

Well that was unexpected.

**Oh my gods you watch doctor who!**

**Doctor what?**

**Not what! Who!**

I would defend him but seeing my brother be chased by squirrels is priceless.

**HE GOT THE NAME OF DOCTOR WHO WRONG! HOW DARE HIM!**

_Remind me to watch the new series so that I don't get attacked by squirrels._

I love how she suddenly stopped being angry at Zeus purely to glomp you for saying that, Apollo. I, however, have followed the great Doctor from day one.

**=D =D =D =D =D =D =D!!!!!!**

_Next question!_

"_How do you not kill a mortal who is bragging about them being better than you?" from Alexa 159._

_**That's easy; I kill them regardless.**_

I challenge them to a competition –

**And turn them into spiders. Personally I tend to go for the subtle approach.**

I'd hardly call sending squirrels, werewolves and demon dogs after them subtle, Voldy.

**No, but that's not what I meant. Morpheus owes me a favour or two so I just get him to send them the most terrifying dream that he has (incidentally, made by us RRA girls as the ultimate revenge) and they admit they were wrong. Huzzah!**

**Or you could just smite them.**

**That counts as killing, Zeus.**

**New question!**

"**Zeus- How is it you think you're the best and most awesome when it is clearly  
Voldy the squirrel goddess is the most awesome and best one cause of the  
squirrels she can control?"**

**PUNY MORTAL! I SHALL SMITE YOU!**

**No you won't Zeus! Alexa159, thank you for acknowledging that the RRA goddesses are more awesome than Zeus!**

**I am more awesome because I AM KING!!!**

**Zeus, the mortals agree with me; the RRA goddesses are just better. Deal with it.**

**NEVER!!!!!**

Voldy, why did you send your dogs after him?

**Because I can and it's fun watching him scream like a girl.**

Fair enough.

_I'll read the next question! Ooh! It's for me!_

"_Apollo - Why are you making global warming? You're the idiot who is responsible for the end  
of the world!" also from Alexa159_

_I do not!_

**Actually, trying to teach Thalia to drive in the blazing school-bus was a little stupid.**

_It was the sun chariot!_

**Which looked like a school bus. In this instance, Alexa, I'd have to say that global warming isn't caused by Apollo and his crazy driving. Global warming is caused by simpler things cough-Ares-and-his-Harley-Davidson-cough.**

_**It's not just my motorbike!**_

**Yeah, it's Phobos and what's-his-face as well whenever they take your bike for a joyride.**

_**Deimos. And they are SO DEAD!**_

**Nyaha! Phobos and Deimos are gonna get their faces kicked in!**

You don't like them then?

**You mean after they broke into my temple, trashed it and left a note saying "Voldy and Percy sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G"? No I don't.**

_Can't imagine why._

**After all, everybody knows that the only thing Percy and I do in a tree is shoot harpies with tranquilisers.**

Are you sure? The water nymphs were telling quite another story to me.

**That wasn't in a tree, Poseidon. Yes, we were having a water-fight, and yes there was a teeny little kiss but it was nothing like they said.**

**Anyway, I'll read the next question;**

"**Dear everyone; why do you always cheat on your significant other?" from Sweetheart2014. Zeus, why don't you start the ball rolling?**

**Umm… well… I…**

**Admit it, Zeus; you're a randy old so-and-so.**

_I don't cheat on my Husband, he cheats on me, but I am the goddess of marriage, so I am faithful._

**Translation; she's forgotten that she's also the goddess of women and childbirth, and could use that as an excuse to have half-blood kids.**

_I don't have a significant other, unless you count Voldy, who technically is married to more than just one person so it doesn't really count._

**I don't cheat on my significant others because I'm married to them all!**

Because my wife nags a lot, and it's nice to have a change after a few thousand years.

**Ahem, 8 kids younger than Percy, the youngest of which is now ten, and several others on the way?**

It's been a very stressful time.

**Sure it has, dad, sure it has.**

_**I get the feeling you don't approve of Poseidon's habits.**_

**I don't approve of the one where he lies and plays down the fact that he's almost as bad as Zeus. I think, Zeus, the phrase "one born every minute" was practically made for you.**

**That's not true!**

_**Actually, dad, it is.**_

**Ares! You betrayed me!**

**He stated the truth. Just like he stated that I am more awesome than you the other day.**

**You are not!**

**I think, Zeus, the mortal vote was counted in the RRA's favour. That makes us infinitely more awesome than you and your puny fan club, made entirely of cardboard cut-outs of yourself.**

That's a bit sad.

All this war about who is more awesome is completely illogical.

**Athena? Were you, by any chance, the mother of the Vulcan race?**

No – what is this Vulcan race you speak of?

_You've never seen Star Trek?_

I've never even heard of it.

**OH MY GODS!**

_Great. Now she's fainted._

**I'm back! I can't believe you've never heard of Star trek!**

Weren't we meant to be answering a question?

**Yeah, about why everyone on Olympus is a cheating –**

Language, Voldy

**English, Poseidon.**

Ha, ha, very funny.

_**Actually it was pretty good.**_

**I AM MORE AWESOME!**

**Zeus, the mankini doesn't suit middle-aged men.**

_**MY EYES! I'M BLINDED!**_

Dad, please get back into your business suit before Voldy goes mad.

**I already am mad. What are you trying to say? AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!**

_Mankini and standing next to a giant pot-plant? I think things are going to get ugly._

**BEGONE! EVIL FOLLOWER OF BOEISM!**

Is anyone else slightly confused about this Boeism thing?

Trust me, Paula lent me the Boeist bible once – not something I'd care to reread. I didn't even get passed the first page.

_Poor Voldy has to live with the man who invented it because he's Paula's husband._

**Actually, I don't anymore because we locked him in the shed.**

_Wasn't he upset?_

**Nah, he smuggled a load of pot-plants in with him, but I think they're all dead now.**

Are you going to let him out any time soon?

**NO!**

No need to shout, Voldy.

I don't have a significant other because I'm one of the virgin goddesses.

_**I'm usually drunk, so in all fairness I don't remember.**_

**You do, however, remember the time I sent you to rehab on April fools?**

_**That was pretty awesome.**_

_**Yes I remember that, Voldy – that resulted in a rather large fight with another of the alcoholics.**_

**And 12 months later baby Pollux and Castor came into the world!**

_You were responsible for that?_

**I like to think I was, inadvertently. Bearing in mind that this was one of the moments when we, the RRA, were travelling through time and ending up anywhere and everywhere because L.C was teaching Mysty to drive the TARDIS.**

**Anyway, we need a new question.**

Glad to see you aren't in the mankini anymore, brother.

**Shut up, Poseidon! Anyway;**

"**Dionysus- If I heard about you correctly you're the god of wine and the twelfth  
Olympian how did you get Hestia to give her throne? (I mean I'm suspicious  
about that because you could have gotten her eternally drunk and that could be the  
reason why families are like well being so not social with each other?)" From Alexa159 again. She's very curious.**

_**She stepped aside when Apollo decided I should be an Olympian because she didn't want a familial battle.**_

**Personally, I would have given him the old stuff you and stayed there anyway, But Hestia's a peace-loving goddess. Besides, she's still there; she tends the hearth at the middle of the room.**

_**While you sit in Apollo's chair trying to steal his iPod**_

**And you and Aphrodite sneak off for a little bit of Pon Farr.**

_**I don't even know what that is! Apollo, why are you laughing?**_

_Remember dad's habits and it'll come to you._

**Clearly not a Star Trek fan. Ooh look! He's gone really pale, bless him!**

I'm glad to see you two are finding this so amusing.

_The rest of us have no idea what you're talking about or are completely horrified._

**I'll go for the former in your case, Hera.**

_How rude_

_You were asking for it, mother; you know Voldy doesn't like you._

**How many times have you tried to hurt Annabeth now? 875? More? And as for throwing your own son off the cliff because he wasn't pretty enough and blaming it on Zeus – is it any wonder why he cheats on you?**

Voldy, curb your temper, you're making squirrels appear.

**Speaking of Zeus, I wonder how embarrassed that woman was when she woke up to remember she'd been doing it with a goose.**

**Not funny Voldy. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!**

**I can't believe I'm congratulating Hera for hitting Zeus with a cattle prod, but well done.**

_Thank you_

**Anyway, next question:**

"**What does Zeus do on weekends?" from AnnabethChaseWiseGirl. Interesting name, but not, I think, Athena's daughter.**

**Oh wait – Hera's still chasing him around. HERA! STOP CHASING ZEUS FOR A MINUTE SO HE CAN ANSWER HIS QUESTION!**

_He can answer it later._

**In that case, you can answer to my squirrels and werewolves and the autobot twins. Right now. Thank you.**

**Well, usually on weekends I –**

Do the dirty with a few women when in the form on a Goose.

**Poseidon! Interrupting is my trick! Nice comment though.**

Thank you.

**I do not!**

Really? So that was just an android I saw on top of that ice-cream lady last weekend?

**Zeus is in trouble!**

_Voldy, if you're going to sing then please sing in tune._

**I was doing an impression of Madame Edith from 'Allo 'Allo.**

_It was a very convincing impression._

**Thank you.**

_It wasn't meant to be a compliment._

When you're finished tickling Apollo?

**Oops! We're out of time! thanks folks! See you again soon!**

**Oh, I almost forgot – if you have any advice stuff you want to ask, then please do, but Zeus's answer will almost always be "smite them"**

**Bye!**


	3. Chapter 3

Olympians guide to life chapter 3

**Disclaimer: you know how it works; Percy, Luke, Apollo and the Stoll brothers have been claimed, but I am willing to share Luke and/or Apollo if you ask**_** very**_** nicely. Percy, Connor and Travis, however, are a different matter entirely.**

**On the subject of reviews, I lost one of the reviews when I was working on this at dad's over the weekend before chapter 2 was posted, and as a result I made someone very sad, so I'M SORRY KANAE! *hugs***

**I hope you like haikus! XD**

**Anyhow, thank you everyone for the reviews, I won't be able to include every question in each chapter, I have a word document full of the things so I'm working through them and highlighting the ones I've done. Bear with me!**

**A reminder of who everyone is:**

**A list of who's who:**

**Zeus is bold**

Poseidon is underlined

_Visitors are italic (Connor Stoll)_

_**Dionysus is bold italic**_

_Apollo is italic and underlined_

Athena is normal text

_**Today, Ares is… missing… so Travis is stealing his place. I will explain this later**_

**Voldy, the squirrel Goddess (me) is bold and underlined**

**Enjoy!**

…

**Who invented ants?**

_What?_

**Which genius decided to invent ants? They're all over the flipping kitchen!**

_They are pretty evil._

**And lurgies. Whoever invented those – wait, that'd be you.**

_What?_

**Think about it; if we didn't have lurgies you'd be out of a job.**

_Not really, I'm the god of music and the sun as well._

… **Shut up.**

Voldy, manners.

**You can shut up too.**

_**That's hardly fair.**_

_Yeah, he's your dad-in-law as well._

Where did Ares go?

**To do some Pon Farr with Aphrodite most likely.**

**Is everyone here now?**

**Not yet, we're waiting on –**

_**We are now.**_

**Dionysus, please stop interrupting me.**

_**I only did it once.**_

**Anyway, I found that little piece of paper I was looking for the other day, and here's the question on it.**

"**Apollo- Will you recite a haiku for me? I love your haikus." From Kanae Valentine, but because I missed posting her question last time, make it two haikus.**

_**No! You'll kill us all! … Actually, go ahead.**_

I love how you suddenly changed your mind when Voldy glared at you.

_Of course I will!_

"_Voldy forgot your question_

_It wasn't asked last chapter_

_She is very sad"_

**I blame the squirrel virus that makes them forget where they hid their winter food stores!**

_And the second one:_

"_Kanae Valentine likes my haikus,_

_That makes me very happy_

_I am so awesome."_

**I swear most of your haikus end in "I am so awesome"**

_That's because I am._

_**Not as awesome as George and Martha.**_

**I have to agree, their veins are clearly filled with awesomesauce.**

_So are dad's._

**Everyone's veins are filled with awesomesauce! Except the Ares cabin. And Aphrodite's cabin. And Ares and Aphrodite and normal mortals but apart from that XD**

_**How do you manage to speak in emoticons again?**_

_I have to say that is pretty awesome._

**Why thank you.**

Anyway, next question:

"Poseidon- Why didn't you use a sand dollar to win the Athens?(I read that  
made salt water spring I mean like that is useless, when you can like use the  
sand dollar for clean healthy water and I'm betting you would have won them if  
you did)" from Alexa 159  
why didn't I think of that?

**That's why you should always go to girls for advice.**

Seriously, I can't believe I didn't think of that! Voldy can I borrow your time machine?

**No.**

Why not?

**Because you already have a city named after yourself anyway. Athena won. End of discussion.**

_Anyway… Connor, you've found a question?_

_Yeah, here it is:_

"_Connor- What is the best prank you ever pulled?" from Alexa 159 – this chick sure asks a lot of questions!_

_Hard question to answer; either the golden mango or the time we drew scars and moustaches all over the posters in the Aphrodite cabin._

**Connor, I'd have to go for golden mango out of those two. Basically, they spray-painted this mango gold and put it in the Aphrodite cabin with a note saying "for the hottest" when the Aphrodite kids were off doing archery.**

_**It was awesome! They had a major catfight over it! Gucci shoes and make-up and stuff were flying everywhere!**_

_They found out it was us but it was worth it!_

**I seem to remember you two tried to get Tony stark to make you an iron man suit for capture the flag.**

_**We made an alliance with the Hephaestus cabin instead.**_

_They made automatons and we won._

**Next question!**

"**Zeus- Do you have a stuffed animal dachshund named Milton?" from Kanae Valentine.**

**I can explain that! It was a present from Artemis's hunters and I can't get rid of it!**

**Actually, I think that's the best prank you ever pulled, Connor.**

**PUNY MORTAL! I SHALL SMITE YOU!**

**No you won't because if you do I'll tear you into tiny pieces. My Stoll brothers. Got it?**

… **Yes.**

_Have you ever thought you claimed too many people, Voldy?_

**Did it ever occur to you that you have too many kids?**

Do you want some ice for that?

_What's that supposed to mean?_

I don't know; something that Percy's been saying a lot.

**Yeah he got it from Nick. Long story. Basically it means BURN!**

Anyhow, next question;

"What is life on Olympus like?" from AnnabethChaseWiseGirl. Oh look! She added a footnote; "Oh and Zeus… Voldy is SO much better than you"

**PUNY MORTAL!**

**Shut up Zeus, she's right.**

**I AM BETTER! HOW DARE YOU!**

**Zeus, shut up or I'll throw you to the Percy Jackson fan girls.**

**But – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!**

**I warned you.**

That was a little harsh. Anyway; Olympus is a little hectic at the moment, because Voldy's insisting that we invite the demigods for a "First day of the rest of our lives" party

_**Sounds fun, when is it?**_

**Saturday, twelve o'clock.**

_I'm so there._

_**Me too.**_

**And also my mortal self has exams, so it's study, study, study until the 23****rd**** of June.**

I'm so glad we don't have exams.

**You wouldn't, old man.**

Less of the cheek, Voldy.

**Right you are, sir!**

_**I think that was still cheek.**_

_What the hell? You sounded like mum just then, Travis!_

_**Okay, I had a mad moment.**_

**Not enough caffeine.**

_**Amen to that!**_

**Anyhow, next question! Ooh! It's for Connor!**

"**Connor- How well do you and Travis REALLY get along, hmm?"**

**Well, Connor? Are you going to tell the world about the sock incident?**

… _No…_

**Aww come on, Connor, it was pretty funny.**

_**Is this the time when Connor got accused of stealing the socks of the whole cabin and it was actually me?**_

**Yes, that's precisely the incident I was referring to.**

_**Man that was awesome!**_

_Easy for you to say; you didn't get chased to the creek before Luke stopped everything!_

_**That wasn't my fault – last time it was you.**_

_Only because you dared me to and I was high on caffeine._

**Caffeine is awesome.**

_Anyway, apart from the nagging and getting blamed for things he's done, we get along pretty well!_

_**Yeah; two heads are better than one when concocting the perfect prank.**_

**That's the philosophy of many a pair of pranking twins I know.**

_Next question!_

"_To all gods... Do you know Primus?" From Paula545_

_Who the hell is Primus?_

_**The Transformer god.**_

**HELL YES! Someone else who likes those movies!**

_Hey! I do too!_

**HOORAY! We can be sci-fi nerds together!**

**Who is this Primus you speak of? Is he a pretender to my throne? I WILL SMITE HIM!**

**Shut up, Zeus; Primus oozes awesomesauce and epicness. He is unsmiteable!**

Are those even words?

**They are now! I just invented them!**

**NOTHING IS UNSMITABLE! I SHALL SMITE HIM!**

_**Chuck Norris is unsmiteable**_

_And Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan_

**And gods. And Primus is one.**

_**Owned by teenagers!**_

_Next question!_

"_Apollo: has anyone ever told you that you are the leading cause for skin  
cancer?" From Calliope Muse_

_I am NOT!_

**That was a bit harsh, but to be fair the sun DOES emit UV-rays that cause skin cancer.**

_Stop the science already! I am NOT a cause of skin cancer! It's not my fault the Sun has evil bits in it!_

**I shall read the next question**

"**Great squirrel goddess- Do you know that you are awesome? Has anyone ever told you that before?" From Kanae Valentine**

**WHAT? NO MENTION OF THE KING OF THE GODS! FOOL MORTAL I SHALL – AAAAAAAAAAHHH!**

**That's what you get for not shutting up about smiting, Zeus. And thank you for saying so, Kanae! For that you get another haiku at the end!**

**And we're whizzing through questions now! Next one!**

"**Travis- Are you in love with an RRA goddess or Katie, daughter of Demeter?" From Alexa159**

_**Who?**_

**Katie, daughter of Demeter, lovie.**

_Why are you calling him lovie?_

**Because he just failed and needed to be reminded of that in a patronising way.**

_Fair enough_

_**Well… Katie and I haven't been getting on well ever since the Easter bunnies appeared on her cabin's roof.**_

_It got even worse when he got drunk and put a sheep up there_

**I have to say that was pretty funny.**

_**Remind me never to try one of your hangover cures again, Voldy, that was horrible.**_

**Consider yourself reminded.**

_**But usually we get on pretty well…**_

**Meaning I happened to be visiting the camp and saw you and Katie were snogging by the stream…**

_**Stop laughing, Connor! It's not funny!**_

_Yes, it really is; you've gone bright red._

Aww, young love.

**You'd know**

Whatever can you mean?

**Sally Jackson? Various others?**

… Point.

**And we're out of time again!**

_No we're not the conch shell hasn't – _

_What's that then?_

_**The conch shell**_

**Join us next time when none other than HADES will be joining us!**

_**The creepy dead guy?**_

**He's acting (and looking) more like a moody emo teenager now.**

You'd know

**I would; I've been giving him counselling sessions after Persephone got mad and turned half his kids into dandelions.**

**Lucky you managed to fix it.**

I have to agree.

Although your methods are slightly unorthodox.

**What, you think threatening to test my potions on her garden is a bad idea?**

_I thought it was funny, and it worked._

**Well, Travis, Connor; I think it's time you and Mr D returned to the Camp.**

Speaking of which, he's been a bit quiet…

_**Because you've all been talking and I haven't had a word in edgeways.**_

**Sorry.**

Goodnight everyone!

**Join us next time for the epic battle of the big three!**

**Or the "Watch Poseidon and Hades get beaten by their awesome brother" fest!**

**Or the "Watch Zeus be chased around the room with a cattle prod" fest. Shut up. Apollo! Haiku!**

"_We hope you enjoyed_

_Our answers to your questions_

_Ask us more next time!"_

…**end**…

**Woohoo! I've FINALLY updated! *throws confetti* and yes, Hades will be here next time and so far I only have ONE question for him. I NEED MORE!**

**And I may have to warn you to expect teenage moodiness from Hades, because that's how he's acting at the moment – I have no idea why :P**

**REVIEW WITH YOUR QUESTIONS FOR HADES!**


	4. Chapter 4

The Olympian's guide to Life

Chapter 4

**WOOHOOOOO! I got questions! Thank you guys SO MUCH!**

**I also happened to notice that a lot of you are fans of a certain Greek God of the Underworld, awesome choice! So am I!**

**Anyhow; here be the next chapter, and here's the general list of people;**

**Zeus is bold**

Poseidon is underlined

_Visitors are italic (Hades, god of the Underworld)_

_**Dionysus is bold italic**_

_Apollo is italic and underlined_

Athena is normal text

_**Ares is bold, italic and underlined (he asked)**_

**Voldy, the squirrel Goddess (me) is bold and underlined**

**Enjoy the update!**

…

**And here we are in a new instalment of the Olympian's guide to life!**

_**Someone's hidden the wine!**_

**That was me.**

_**Why?**_

**Because last time it was in plain view, heedless of your detoxification period you tried to nab a glass.**

_**That hurt!**_

**Well, I did happen to put an anti-Dionysus charm on the wine bottles, and I did warn you.**

_Hello!_

**Hey Apollo! OH MY GODS YOU HAVE WITHIN TEMPTATION ON YOUR IPOD!**

_**Ha! Typical Voldy to like the Goth music!**_

…

… _**Forget I said anything.**_

**Good boy.**

_You can have one headphone_

**As ever! XD**

**I am here! We can begin!**

**Actually we can't; Athena and Hades haven't arrived yet.**

I have now

**Hey Athena! Now all that's left is Hades.**

_Hello_

**What the – HERMES? Why are you here?**

_Message from Hades; he can't come, something to do with admin._

**Right. Be right back. Hermes you're coming with me.**

I pity Hades, I really do.

To be fair he should know better than to turn down an Olympian invitation.

**Especially one from the RRA Goddesses**

_Ow! OW! What's with the ear-pulling?_

**Look, Hades, you're a teenager. Teenagers don't deal with admin! They have people to do it for them!**

Technically he's several thousand years old

**Physically he's an emo teenager with purple hair and an AC/DC T-shirt.**

_AC/DC are awesome_

_Glad you think so._

_I would; they're my sons._

**Speaking of your children, you guys, here's question one;**

"**Shouldn't you guys pay child support?" From LunaPadma**

**You are a genius, LunaPadma.**

I hope you realise that Voldy is now giggling insanely at that question.

_We don't use mortal currency, it's a bit difficult_

**And also you have so many kids you'd be bankrupt in ten seconds if you did.**

Especially in Zeus's case

**Hey!**

**It's true!**

_I'll read the next one._

**Okay, teenager Hades is sniggering, this can't be good**

_Not for Poseidon and Athena it isn't_

**I've been carefully avoiding that question.**

No you haven't, you lost the file with it on.

**I know I did. I had to re-do the WHOLE questions file! You have NO IDEA how irritating that is!**

_Anyway, the question, also from LunaPadma, is this;_

"_How many times have Poseidon and Athena 'done it'? And don't try to deny it! I'm not stupid"_

Okay…awkward

**Isn't that a bit impossible because Athena's one of the virgin goddesses? And she came from Zeus's head too…**

_**EWW! That's SICK! Poseidon! She's your NIECE dammit!**_

We have never "done it" because we hate each other

**Understandably**

What do you mean, Voldy?

**Well; you snuck your girlfriend into her temple and did the dirty with her on Athena's altar and she turned the girlfriend into a snake-haired weirdo,**

_She does have a point; and same with the virgin goddess thing. And, strangely, Ares's point on Athena being our niece, Poseidon. You should be ashamed of yourself!_

For the love of Primus I haven't done anything with Athena!

**Except make a chariot several hundred years ago.**

True

**And all the little "my cabin is better than your cabin" battles**

Good point

**And the incest thing is moot; Zeus and Hera for example.**

_That's very true._

_**I'll read the next question;**_

"_**Why is Ares so hot? Can I marry Ares or Apollo?" From LttlBlcKitty**_

**For Primus' sake, take Ares! Someone needs to get rid of the muscle flexing!**

_**Don't I get a say in this?**_

**NO!**

No need to shout, Voldy.

**Yes there was. I feel powerful when my shouting sends him cowering in the corner.**

_The evil cackle wasn't necessary either._

_Very well done though._

**Thank you. I'm sorry but Apollo's sort of spoken for, but Ares is available!**

_I'll read the next one – oh it's for me!_

"_Hades, why are you always so down? Do you need to take godly  
antidepressants?" From Kanae Valentine._

_WHAT?_

**Ha-ha! Nice one Kanae! XD**

_How am I always down? Seriously?_

**You're a moody old fart when you're not acting like a teenager.**

To be fair he does hang around with dead people all day

**That's true**

_And what the hell are anti-depressants?_

**Things depressed people take to stop being depressed**

_I AM NOT ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS!_

_**Could've fooled us…**_

_**OW!**_

**For the sake of the mortals reading this, Hades just hit Dionysus over the head. With a shovel, ladies and gentlemen.**

He did ask for it.

**True; how would you like to work with the dead for all eternity, Dionysus?**

_**No thanks**_

**Exactly; it's really not nice.**

Anyway… next question is for Hades, again;

"Would you try to kill Apollo if he constantly recited  
haiku's? You're my favourite god!" From Sweetheart2014

_Yes, yes I would. And thank you, Sweetheart2014, for proving that I do in fact have some fans among mortals._

One

**More than one; I know plenty of pro-Hades humans.**

_But yes, I would try to kill Apollo if I had to put up with his haikus all day._

_Hey!_

**Let's face it, Apollo; lovely and good-looking as you are, your Haiku's are getting a bit repetitive.**

…

Aww… he's sulking, bless him!

**Anyway… let's change the subject.**

"**How many of the gods are afraid of you? Has anyone told  
you that you're insane?" For me, from Sweetheart2014.**

**I think it'd be better to ask Ares this question; Ares? How many of the gods are scared of me?**

…

**Come on, Ares, tell the curious young mortal.**

_**Everyone…**_

Not surprisingly; she has been known to give Morpheus nightmares.

**And he's the god of dreams. Fairly hot too.**

_Voldy! You're married to me!_

And my son!

_And a son of Hermes_

**Polygamy is legal in the RRA. And I never said I'd marry him, because then I'd lose the bet with Eros.**

_Only that reason?_

**That and the fact that his weird making people sleep skills are really annoying; I'm trying to have a decent conversation with someone and suddenly they're out for the count.**

**I have to say that is really irritating.**

He's working on it though.

**Bless him.**

**Hang on…**

…

**Apollo.**

_Yes?_

**What the hell is this?**

_It's Justin Bieber._

**No. his name is Justina until his voice breaks. It's Justina Bieber. Why have you got Justina Bieber on your iPod?**

_I don't… CONNOR! TRAVIS!_

Why are you laughing, Voldy?

**As worrying as it is, that was very funny.**

**Okay, Apollo, the slip-up is rectified by the Deep Blue something song.**

Deep blue something?

_It's the name of the band._

**The song is breakfast at tiffany's.**

Never thought you'd like old-school music, Voldy.

**I like a lot of old stuff; guns and roses, for one.**

_I knew you were awesome._

**Thank you. You're epic in your own awesomeness, Apollo.**

**And in answer to your second question – Yes they have. I take it as a compliment.**

Why?

I believe the saying is "there's a fine line between insanity and genius"

**And all geniuses were thought to be insane before they were called geniuses.**

_Van Gogh is still annoyed by that._

**He would be. Ares is being pretty quiet…**

Voldy, I wouldn't –

**AAAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES! I'M BLINDED!**

I warned you.

_**You shouldn't have been looking!**_

**For the love of all things innocent in this world, Ares! LOCK THE BLOODY DOOR!**

_Voldy, give me the disinfectant._

**NO! I must burn the image from my head!**

_Then wouldn't fire be more appropriate?_

Well done, Hades; you've just told her to kill herself in a different way.

_Voldy – Voldy –_

**Let go!**

_Voldy, for Primus' sake go to Hecate and get her to magic it from your head! Or go to the river Lethe!_

**Will do!**

Beautiful job, Apollo. She'll forget everything.

_No she won't; she's done this before._

When?

_When she walked in on Aphrodite and her human pet. She turned the human into a mouse and kicked Aphrodite to the sun before going to wash the memory out._

Where were they?

_On Voldy's alter. With pot plants._

_That's why she was washing the memory away._

Anyway, I think we should read the next question.

**Yes we should.**

You got back okay then?

**Yeah… can't remember why the hell I was by the river Lethe in the first place…**

Ahem. Anyway; next question, again for Hades – you seem to be very popular uncle.

_I can't help it that people like me_

_**Big head.**_

**Read the question before this turns into a war that results in drunken corpses, please Athena.**

The question is from Alexa 159. Haven't heard from her in a while…

"Hades-I'M A HUGE FAN! :) If you had a chance to rule Olympus for the rest of  
your immortal life from the underworld will you take it? Oh and tell Zeus I'm  
part of the "Zeus is and Idiot Club" and that I'm part of the "Hades Fan  
Club". That should darken his day."

**PUNY MORTAL! I SHALL SMITE YOU!**

**No you won't because I'll smite your ass first!**

Burn. Literally.

**Thank you.**

_I don't know… I've gotten used to running the underworld._

**Maybe we should have a "switch places for a year" session to see how it'd work.**

We'd still have the same powers, Voldy.

**True.**

**Anyhow, that was a boring result. Next question.**

"**Hades- Have you ever seen what you look like when the artist zelda994612 draws you on deviant art? You totally look hot!" From my good friend Kanae Valentine.**

**I have to say I agree, Hades, you do look very smexy.**

That isn't a word.

_It is now; Voldy invented it._

**Actually no I didn't; it's a word that has been in circulation for a long time and is hereby classified as a word.**

How can it possibly be a word? It's not in the dictionary!

**It's in the Fan fiction Terms dictionary, and the text speak dictionary.**

… it's still not a word.

_It still is; a lot of the modern-day spirits are using it in the underworld._

**Probably because it doesn't get censored**

**Anyhoo; question for Hades time!**

Athena's laughing? Why?

**You'll know when she reads it.**

"If you stole Persephone when she was, like, twelve, and you married her,  
doesn't that make you a cradle-robber? And isn't your relationship incestuous?  
And aren't Persephone's parents incestuous?" from LunaPadma

I agree with Voldy; you're a genius!

_What? She wasn't in a cradle when she was twelve!_

**Ha-ha, look at teenage Hades spluttering. This is hilarious!**

_And like Voldy said earlier; incest thing is moot; Zeus raped his sister_

**As a goose, might I add – what is wrong with you people?**

…

**and who's Persephone's dad anyway?**

Zeus

_I always thought it was you_

**N'aww, he still liked his wife back then.**

… Not funny Voldy

**Yes it is**

_And true… you did still like your wife back then_

**And Apollo wasn't the sun god either. Which reminds me; I've got to find Helios and kick his backside into the land of the living to take up his duties again.**

_That's a little impossible, Voldy, he faded._

**I have a TARDIS. I can do whatever I like. And impossible is my favourite word! I love proving people wrong.**

_**Me, for example.**_

**Yes the "girls are just machines for making babies" argument was disproved spectacularly by the combined RRA-Athena alliance of fist-in-face awesomeness.**

Which took out half of Olympus, if I remember rightly.

**Yes it did, and then we tactfully disappeared to annoy the Sheriff so we could avoid the work.**

**Anyways… I'm determined to have all the Hades questions in this one.**

**Found one!**

"**What does Hades do to children of Zeus and Poseidon once they die?" from Hera's Little Girl**

_It depends on how much they annoy me._

_Seriously, Hades, I'd love to know the real answer to this question._

_Really it depends on whether they achiever Elysium or not. They usually do but there have been a couple who went to the fields of punishment._

**You've sent your own sons there before.**

_Yes, Adolf was a supreme example of heroes gone mad._

**And Churchill was the son of Zeus, I believe?**

**Yes he was.**

**Anyway – I hate that history topic 'cause nothing happens (Sorry Clio!) so we're moving on to the next question!**

_OOH! I'll read this one!_

"_Hades: have you seen Michael Jackson?" from Misscullenmason_

_Yes I have. He is currently employed as one of those hired people for parties singing his music._

_**That's boring.**_

**No it's not; EVERYONE gets sick of his songs eventually, even him!**

_You like some of his songs, Voldy._

**Yes, Thriller has to be my favourite. And I am also fascinated by his ability to moonwalk – apparently it's good for your health.**

_**To be obsessed?**_

**No, to moonwalk.**

What genius came up with that?

**Some NHS place.**

_I have to say that is an awesome idea._

**Note to self: when I do eventually die, I am going to hunt down Michael Jackson and ask him how to moonwalk. Even if I'm an old lady.**

Now that's a good plan.

**Of course it is, I'm full of good plans today.**

_You're full of good plans every day_

**Thank you.**

_No problem_

**AAAH! What was that?**

That was the conch horn signifying that we're about to be attacked

**By GRUES? OH NOES!**

No, by Titans

**Aw well that's boring.**

Which, I suppose, means that we have to say goodbye to the mortals?

**Yes, obviously.**

**ARES STOP DOING PON FARR WITH APHRODITE IN THE CUPBOARD AND HELP US FIGHT THE TITANS!**

**Right. We'll let you know how it went when we come back. Next visitor is… umm… Poseidon, where did I put my list?**

Back pocket

**Aha! Thanks! So the next visitor is… OOH! Another double! It's Percabeth! So all you Percabeth shippers out there – GET ASKING! And that's because Athena's got a boffin's meeting in Athens with her boffin minions. WE'LL BE BACK!**


End file.
